Why I Hate Hockey

Commas are finished.  It’s 10:30 at night, but they’re done.  And gone.  Can’t say it was my best writing ever, though….

During the procrastination, an issue came up.  (You can’t imagine the issue that are suddenly direly important when commas are involved.)

“Sheila, why do you hate hockey?”


Admittedly, this person has only known me for a little over a year, but we talk several times a week.  I don’t think a stranger on the street would have to look at me for more than 10 seconds to take a wild-but-accurate guess as to why I hate hockey.  However, the discussion is getting philosophical, so here it is:

Why I Hate Hockey

1. Pointless. You stand on thin blades of steel in a freezing cold, aesthetically unpleasing arena and chase a flat piece of rubber with a wooden stick. What intellectually challenged person came up with that idea? At what point do you look at the results of cabin fever and discard them?

2. Rules. Too many of them. Waaayyyy too many of them. How the heck are you supposed to keep them all straight? Why would you want to keep them all straight?

3. Team sports. I don’t like to play with other people. Teams also come with coaches that tell you what to do. It looks to me like a good reason to do the opposite of what they tell you to do.  Then they kick you out.

4. Sweat. Speed. Too much hard physical work. With negligible payoff. What do you get in the end? Another chance to skate fast and sweat.

5. Testosterone. Too scary. And it smells bad. The players exude testosterone, and the spectators exude testosterone. Even when women play or watch, they draw on their minute testosterone reserves. Give me a classroom full of hormonal teenage girls, or even a labour ward full of birthing mothers; they’re both more manageable than a locker room.

6. Just because. It has become something professional that excludes certain people and includes others, rather than just being a fun game for people who, for whatever reason, want to play the game.

Why I Don’t Hate Hockey

1. The Hockey Sweater. Great story. Love the juxtaposition with religion.

2. Frank Mahovlich. My dad taught me, at an early age, to worship him. Other than during infancy, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the guy play hockey. But I still worship him as a hockey player.

3. David Francey’s Skating Rink. Awesome song. Shame they had to turn it into a hockey night thing. But I’ll always love David, even when he’s going on about hockey. (David, don’t get me wrong, man: I’m glad you stayed in Canada and learned to survive the winters, but you could have discovered knitting or something, couldn’t you?)

4. The guy who came up with the idea of ducks.  I have no idea which team it is, but I can handle water fowl, I’m sure.

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